Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Horror Movie 101

So I have learned a lot from horror movies; specifically from the stupid mistakes that the scantily clad, obnoxious teens make. In the hypothetical event that you're chased by a zombie or come face to face with a Michael Myers type, etc. you should be prepared. So here are some FYI's:

Don't mess with the creepy colony of kids without parents.

Clowns are creepy. Period.

If all else fails, arm yourself with a "boomstick"

Zombies: Damage them in their brains before they take a bite out of yours! "Yeahhhh boyyyy"!

If you run over a Gorton fisherman look-a-like, at least call an ambulance because he won't forget. Ever.

Only search under the bed if you have a 10 foot pole.

Treat your dolls with respect. If you don't, they may return the "favor"

Most aliens, with evil intentions, that come to Earth are vulnerable to the 70% of water that covers it. Go figure.

Um, why would you go into the WOODS looking for trouble?

If you hear that fava beans and a nice chianti are part of the!!

"No, crazy cannibal looking family. I DO NOT want to join you for dinner or see your household chainsaw!"

If someone's body is facing the wall but their head is looking at you, you may want to exit their bedroom - immediately.

You probably don't want to chant creepy or deceased people's names in mirrors.

Only moving the headstones is not going to cut it.

Puzzle boxes are all fun and games until you start raising some hell.

Don't underestimate the pecking power of a bird.

If you have just finished viewing a creepy, distorted videotape followed by a phone call, I think it's safe to overlook the 'Be Kind, Rewind' rule.

If a stranger comes to your cabin and poops out an ugly ass alien, it's time to go. Also, that's one serious #2!

Mist, fog; if your vision is hindered, it's time to invest in a a big ol' Maglite flashlight and some nunchucks.

Any movie based on a Stephen King novel with Thomas Jane in it is bound to be bad. Sorry Thomas.

Why are zombies underestimated? They have a healthy diet of brains, don't they? Sheesh. ;)

Let's get this straight people: Frankenstein was the scientist. Not the "monster"

If it's not your house, maybe you just shouldn't go into it. Whether it's the last on the left or the one with a chainsaw collection.

Please make sure that all "telepods" are free from insects, critters, and the like before you attempt to do any transporting.

If you came here to chew bubblegum and kick some ass, you'll probably end up doing the latter.

Don't underestimate the old lady with the glass eye, hellacious cough, and dentures; she may gum your face off.

If you see the license plate, "BEATNGU", turn and go the other way. FAST!

Even if you run at Michael Johnson type speed, a 6'3", slow-waking, machete-wielding serial killer will still catch up with you while leisurely strolling along in a pair of orthopedic shoes.