Quarter of a Century of Love, Loss, and Learning

After a quarter of a century of heartbreaks, maturing, and lessons learned I can say wholeheartedly that I have been blessed with attaining a plethora of wisdom. I have even found my first silver hair to prove it. I will now refer to myself as “Silver Fox”...

I’ve been over the river and through the woods when it comes to receiving my share of heartbreaks. I've been broken up with before prom, cheated on, lied to, avoided to the point of relationship spontaneous combustion, and most recently, receiving a text message along with a smorgasbord of lies and deceit. (Classy, fella.) In some instances, I had to find the courage deep inside to walk away from someone I cared about after realizing I deserved more than what he chose to give me. But several heartbreaks; thousands of tissues; and one awkward, drunken break-dance solo later, I know myself, my core values, and emotional needs. I know what I want and need in a relationship and from a partner.

And I won’t settle for less.
 

Yes, a lot of times you have to let your partner know what’s bothering you or how they may have hurt you. However, and here’s the kicker, if s/he doesn't truly demonstrate that they care about your feelings, consider the situation a priority, or genuinely seek to make amends and restore a sense of normalcy and trust, then it’s time to move on and find someone who finds that important. The only person and actions you can change is you and your own. However, it takes two to make a relationship work, and if only one partner appears to be putting in the emotional girth it takes to strengthen a relationship, then you’re most likely in it on your own. And that’s no way to live…or love. We all have to look at ourselves and what we bring to a relationship. I'm sure most have read, if not heard about, the Oprah-raved best-seller, He’s Just Not that Into You, but I often think that puts too much focus on the man and women just having to react. Ladies! Stand tall! If he’s not giving you what you need and want, treating you the way you deserve to be treated, or goes back on expectations, you don’t need to be that into him.

I have learned that you truly have to understand your own needs and love yourself because when you truly appreciate and love yourself, the unrequited or rejected love of someone else will hurt and take time to heal, but it doesn't have to consume you if you don’t allow it. That sense of self worth can help cushion the blow of losing a specific person and put you on the path of excitement at knowing that you’re a step closer to finding someone who can better give you what you need. I personally believe that God truly does close one door and opens another, but often we spend so much time in the corridor looking back at the closed door, that we miss or delay the journey that is before us. The man I pray to marry doesn’t have to be a billionaire, an Olympic athlete, a rocket scientist, or someone who has walked on the moon. He just needs to love me from the moon and back with no fear of showing me and shouting it from rooftops; with a heart that beats in time with mine that understands the pain of betrayal and love loss, and bears the scars from many a broken moment, but wants to mark a new path and future with me.

Through the pain and heartbreak, my brother's straight forward comment that despite what anyone does, "so what, you're still awesome" resonates. I think that's something many people can hold to. Hey, I even have my own theme song. :)

The Breakup Blog

I am not, nor do I claim to be, a relationship or Psychology expert. However, I do believe these are some helpful tips for dealing with the heartache of a break up, although everyone may have their own personal ways. In addition, many things are easier said than done. After all, broken hearts take the longest to heal....

• Pray. Meditation is also good for the soul.
• Immerse yourself in a piece of literature; get your mind on another plot or story. 
• Indulge yourself. Go out to eat with a friend at a favorite restaurant spot. And don't be afraid to dine out alone! Make food a friend, not an enemy. :)
• Rub your bunny, puppy, cat, etc. Animals are great for giving and receiving love, and they are quite intuitive. It's as if they can read your emotions. 
• Go out walking or biking. Be in the sunlight and beauty of nature. 
• Don't get too caught up in sappy, slow, depressing love songs. 
• Find a new hobby to keep your mind and body busy. 
• Try to laugh and be around people who'll laugh with you. It's a good feeling. (And the endorphins will work wonders.)
• Stay away from social networking websites for a while. It will only hurt and make the healing process longer if you try to stay current with what your ex is doing or whom s/he is with, or analyzing photos. That's one of the worst things you can do to yourself. 
• Talk to someone who has been in the same/similar situation. It helps to put a face with the knowledge that you can make it through as well. 
• Go get ice cream with a friend. 
• Keep a journal of emotions, thoughts, and feelings. 
• Be prepared to have good days, bad days, and a whirlwind of emotions. 
• Talk with a friend or loved one; don't bottle things up. 
• Cry. It's perfectly okay. It's an unspoken conveying to yourself of how you feel. 
• Tinker with some arts and crafts. Create something, juxtapose to the loss of love you're feeling. 
• Everyday you're getting stronger. Be proud of yourself; don't beat yourself up. And remember: "We must face tomorrow, whatever it may hold, with determination, joy, and bravery.” ~ Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium :) 
• Time is your friend...."Time wounds all heels." ~John Lennon :) 
• No two people are the same. Therefore, don't compare the time it takes for you to heal to the time it takes for someone else. Whether it takes a few weeks or months, don't worry. Love lost is just that: a loss. Everyone processes and deals with heartbreak differently. Just don't let discouragement make you feel as if you're not making progress. 
• Take a vacation. This will allow time to/for yourself, a change of scenery, and an opportunity to process your thoughts and emotions. 

"Red Flag on the Play!"

Why is it that in relationships we put blinders on to the red flags of partners or potential partners' actions, but in a game of football red flags are almost sought after like a golden chalice? NFL teams will almost go to war over red flags because it is a direct challenge to the official of the situation (game). Red flags are thrown by coaches during critical times in a game. Red flags in relationships are to alert someone that the character and or intentions of a partner may not be trustworthy or in line with what s/he needs. As humans, we often overlook red flags because we hope the action or flaw was just a momentary setback, or we know that the problem is larger and may result in confrontation. Leaving a red flag type of relationship is most likely in our best interest, but will also result in us being alone and having to go 'back to the drawing board'--dating; and if you're like me, dating isn't as whimsical as it appears on a show like Sex and the City (and your shoes aren't half as stellar). However, the beauty of acknowledging red flags early on in relationships is that you live, you learn and you protect your heart. 

Kimster's Guide to the Single Lady's Holiday

I’m the type of gal who loves relationships...long, healthy relationships. Honestly, who doesn’t? However, some relationship partners turn out to be almost like creatures of the night! But don’t grudge and curse your single status. Embrace it! It is a time of reunification, peace, reflection, healing, growth, and, most of all, you time. Think about it. Isn’t the best point to consider a potential relationship when you’re doing your own thing and engaging in your own personal interests? Not only do you seem more interesting to a potential suitor, but you’re already happy with what life is offering. You two can share in some of these activities together while also still giving you the ability to have your own life set apart from someone else. It is no fun having all of your hopes and desires solely resting on someone who could possibly let you down and leave you scrambling for the pieces. I recently found out my ex lied and deliberately blew me off this past Valentine’s Day. I think I was initially most angry because, honestly, if he didn’t want to be together I could have been off doing my own thing with someone better, or at least at a party (with the potential of meeting someone else ;) In hindsight I was too wrapped up with little time to change my plans and go do my own thing, but lesson learned.

 

So, without further ado, here’s Kimster’s Guide to the Single Lady’s Holiday :  

 

 

January 1 –  Resolution Day: New year. New adventures. Oh, the possibilities! So let the balls drop!! ;)

 

January 16 – Cultural Diversity Day: Spend time with all of your friends or even go to a museum.

 

February 14 – ‘Happy Unattached Drifters Day!’ Courtesy of Supernatural. ;) Sweets to the sweet. Shower yourself with chocolate, love, and wine. Want to go out dining and immerse yourself in a glass of Chianti? Go right ahead! Treat yourself; because who is better to love than you? No worries about being let down. Go to the spa, get ice cream, or watch a basketball game. Have a blast on your day.

 

March 11 - Spring Forward Day: I know most of us grudge Daylight Savings Time because of the loss of an hour, but enjoy the extra of sunlight and spring forward to the next chapter of your life!

 

March 17 - Luck of the Irish Day: You might not be head over heels with the idea of kissing a stranger, but that’s not to say that you can’t put on your sexiest green outfit, turn some heads, and bask in the attention of some admirers.

 

April 22 - Enjoy the Earth Day: It's spring and most of the pollen has already fallen so get out and bike, jog, or have a yummy picnic. Don’t forget to recycle!

 

May 28 - Memory Lane Day: Time to remember all of the great things about yourself and enjoy being you!

  

June 6 - Yo-Yo Day: You deserve to smile, so get back to your childhood and fun with some Yo-Yo madness.

June 14 - Flag Day: Wave your white, red, polka dot, or floral flag of single life!

 

July 4 – ID4: It’s time to celebrate your independence ladies, grill some burgers, have a beer, and don that retro two piece bathing suit you have been dying to wear at the pool.

 

August 10 – National S'mores Day: If you have a fear of spiders like me, no worries, you don't have to be camping to kick your feet up and toast some delicious s'mores.

 

September – Labor Day: Take this time off to pamper yourself. You deserve it! Whether that's going to the spa or curling up to a good book while eating popcorn, when you work hard, you deserve a break.

 

October 31 – Dress Up Day: Halloween isn't only for children. Have you been dying to pull out that Tina Turner outfit? How about Wolverine? Well, here's your chance, so grab some of your girls and head to the nearest Halloween party. Who knows? You might even meet Prince Charming. (He'll be the one with the sword on his hip ;)

 

November 25 – Thanksgiving Day: If you're safe, healthy, and happy, it's time to spend time with family and friends and give thanks!

 

December 25 – Christmas: Another holiday to truly be thankful for all and everyone you have. Instead of spending hundreds of dollars on someone who may not appreciate the sentiment or return the affection, think about the ones you love. Has your dad been complaining about his back? Clear the winter ice/snow from the driveway and cars. Doing for others and seeing the happiness light up their faces is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.

Texting is for the Birds

“The way to a woman’s heart is not through a text message.” 

That is my facebook status today and I have gotten a lot of feedback, so I thought I’d expound. In an age with texting, social media, and interactive games with instant messaging features, it’s no wonder landline phones are the dinosaurs of communication. It used to be that, in the realm of dating and courtship, a first date was often preceded by an initial, preliminary phone call to establish interest and typically set up plans for a first date. A successful first date was followed up by another call, more dates and so forth. These days, text messaging has become front and center making dating, in my opinion, less classy. Do I look like a court stenographer? If I wanted to spend my days and nights typing, I’d get another job for it and date a nice lawyer.

~P.S. If anyone knows any nice, single lawyers out there, send him my way...

I digress. Honestly, how many times have you met someone and the next contact is a bland text message? It’s even more aggravating when s/he initiates with a vague and short message of “Hey” and you have to go through a couple extra texts just to find out who is the mystery texter. I make it a point to tell a potential suitor that continual texting is not how I roll. I didn’t take public speaking courses and get a degree in English to not “use my words.” Texting can be impersonal, unemotional, and misleading. Texting between friends is one thing, but when you’re trying to establish a deeper connection with someone, texting is not the way to go. Though I’ve made my dislike of texting clear in the beginning, most recently, guys I’ve dated started off strong with the calling and “wanting to hear my voice” to dropping into an inability to press “call” rather than “send message.” (Destiny Child’s song “Say My Name” comes to mind at this point even more so.) When texts start to be more frequent than time spent with your partner and addressing it doesn’t seem to phase him or change anything, it’s time to get out. Now, I am a huge fan of sweet, random, affectionate text messages, especially during work hours. However, I and many others are not fans of texting becoming someone’s sole means of communicating with a partner.

The point where you know our society has an unhealthy obsession with texting is when people have no qualms about breaking up with someone via a text message. That is the lowest form of disrespect, cowardice, and heartlessness. (Especially when it’s a break up because of that person’s cheating and / or lies.)